All I Wanted
by BarricadeOfFreedom96
Summary: What did Rose do the day after the rescue mission in Shadow Kiss? One-shot. Warning: A little depressing! Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Academy!


**Wassuppp? I've never really written a VA fanfic, but I just really have to write this. This is what I always picture happening the day after the rescue at the cave in Shadow Kiss and so… yeah. One-shot! Here it goes! :D**

I still almost hadn't fully accepted the previous day's events. I didn't think I ever could. I think of the sacrifice I made, the sacrifice he made, to save other peoples' lives. But no one knew the true sacrifice I made or that I wasn't willing to make it. There were so few great things in my life, and I'd just watched the greatest be destroyed.

The whole situation flashed through my sleeping state again. The nightmare was so much more bloody and graphic than the actual thing. Dimitri, strong, powerful, god-like Dimitri being pinned by the blond Strigoi. My scream bouncing off the walls of the cave. Dimitri's eyes flashing to mine those last few moments before I was ripped out of the cave. It was all there, all on repeat. I had to wake up. I couldn't keep living through that, even if I knew it wasn't really happening.

My eyes flashed open and I sat up. When my back was up against the wall, I realized I could barely breathe. Every breath was deep and painful. It took several minutes to regulate my breathing, but as soon as I did, I started to sob. It was the kind of crying that made you lose your voice temporarily, made your eyes hurt and swollen and red. I hated doing this, but this was one of the few times I allowed myself to not feel ashamed of it. The last time I'd cried this hard was after Mason's murder, and I still wanted to cry sometimes because of it, because of my part in it.

However, I felt as though I had been robbed of my one true opportunity at love. I was sure I'd never fall in love again, not as long as I still loved Dimitri. And at the moment, I didn't think I was capable of ever loving anyone else except for Lissa.

I sighed, getting up. I wasn't positive that I could walk with all the shaking my legs where doing, but I crossed the room without falling. It was a pretty big accomplishment. I walked down the hallway, not really caring if I was caught. I knew the possibility of a guardian catching me was minimal. The rescue was less than twenty-four hours earlier. The guardians were all dispersed, injured, or dead. I didn't want to think like that, but my mind was stuck in that state of hopelessness and despair.

I didn't realize where I was going until I was standing in front of Dimitri's door. I was out of tears, but if I had a supply of them, I would've shed some. I looked around to make sure I was the only one in the hallway. Once I saw that the coast was clear, I opened the door and stepped in. I was surprised that it was unlocked. What was even more surprising was that everything in the room was untouched. Nothing had been packed up or removed.

I stood frozen for a moment, knowing that if I took one step further, I'd never leave. After I braced myself for my heart to break, I began strolling around, observing everything. If I had a camera, I would've taken pictures. Sadly, I didn't, so I used my best brain power to take in every single detail I could. It was all I could do to keep my memories of him fresh and recent.

I came across his dresser, and leafed through the contents in its drawers. These articles were clothes I knew well, but I still took the time to study every one so closely I could practically see the weaving. When I saw the sweatshirt I'd borrowed from him in the fall, a few tears fell down my face. I hugged it close, letting his scent fill my nose. I'd never smell it again.

Sitting there on the floor, I shivered, and become conscious of the fact that I was freezing cold. I pulled the sweatshirt over my head, feeling relief and warmth almost instantly. To further warm myself, I got up from the floor and lied on his bed, wrapping myself in the blanket. The only other time I'd been on this bed was the night of the lust charm, the first time he'd ever been willing to give himself to me. It was all a fabricated, false mess, but it was still so raw and hot and passionate that I felt almost exactly how I felt that night again.

Then I remembered that that wouldn't ever happen again. Not to me, at least. It was so hard to come to terms with. Were all the happy memories – hell, every memory – I'd ever had with him worth all this heartache now? Part of me wanted to say, "Of course not." But then, some older, wiser, more mature part of my brain, probably fueled by the memory of Dimitri himself, said, "Yes, they were." They were worth it because I at least had them. Someday, when my memories would begin to fade and wither away, I wouldn't have him anymore, but now I did. That was what was getting me through every unbearable second that ticked by.

A few more tears rolled down my cheeks. I let myself have those last few tears and then I manned up. It was the least I could do. Once I reminded myself that it was useless to be miserable, I remembered that Lissa still needed me. And besides, it wasn't like I would feel left out. Most guardians never found love anyway.

_You did find love, though_, I thought unconsciously. _You found it and it was ripped away from you_.

That seized me again, bringing a waterfall of tears to my eyes. I wasn't sobbing as violently as I had been earlier, but it was still pretty bad. I quieted down some so that no one would hear me. The last thing I wanted to do was get caught. I wouldn't get in serious trouble, but it would take quite a bit of explaining for anyone to understand why I was reacting to this in such a way. He was only my mentor, after all.

But I knew that he was so much more.

He was my Russian god. Comrade. My lover. My other half. My everything.

And he was gone from me forever.

_**Okay… It's a little short and SUPER depressing. Lol. I just needed to bridge the gap a little. Rose doesn't give up without a fight, but hey, she's still a teenage girl. Thanks for reading! **_


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